I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
