I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
