Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
