he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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