when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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