life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
