Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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