do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
