Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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