I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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