Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
