Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
