I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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