Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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