I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
