I must be too annoying 4 u.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
