problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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