he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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