Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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