i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
