I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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