I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
