I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
