atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
