My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
