we have pet lesbian snakes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
