I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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