I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
