i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he was CRYING into my vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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