mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
