I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
