youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize