Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
