You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
