Your face is a jimmy john
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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