He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
