I just threw up on my dentist
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
