I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
