Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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