No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
