You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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