does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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