just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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