and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
