Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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