She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
