my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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