just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
