Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was like getting head from an anaconda
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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