please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
