After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
