True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
