He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
