Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize