When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
