I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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